Introducing my 'lil Cuz Ale, the new Queen Bitch.
My style oscillates between your typical tumblr girl (but hopefully with a few more bulbs lit inside my head) with the really cute, preppy clothes and your local homeless guy depending on how I roll out of bed in the morning. But my style isn’t even my real style because I don’t have the money or the body for it.
I’ve tried soooo many times to get my ass off my bed and exercise but who has the time or energy for that amirite? I tried to get motivation by going out to buy cute sports clothes but it proved to be fucking impossible. I fucking hate neon colors and how tacky all the clothes are. U-G-L-Y af. For a while I tried to find at least a decent workout bra to keep mah boobs in place but I gave up because there is literally NOTHING to stop them from jiggling all over the fucking place. I don’t fucking know, I just can’t go out to run or whatever if my boobs move okay? They fucking hurt. Up and down they always go, I can’t even go down the stairs without fucking grabbing them. And yes, that’s even when I wear a fucking bra (which I hate) but I could never go braless cause of the Infinity Boob. It’s exactly what it sounds like, boobs move making an infinity motion, not that hard to understand guys. It’s painful and horrible. Having anything around a 40C or above fucking sucks. You just HAVE to wear a bra which not only means spending a shitton of money on underwear, but having boob ache like 90% of the time added to half of every month because of hormonal reasons. Your girls wanna be free but you can’t let them be.
My sister doesn’t have the infinity boob unless she’s wearing a push up bra (half of her tits are out so they obviously move more) which:
- Is cheating -you don’t have the substance, don’t lie to yourself or others and
- WHY ARE YOU WEARING A BRA!??! Just dump it in the trash, nobody wants that shit, why are you putting yourself through that?
She be jelly though, they all want these, they can be used for foreplay, they’re great cup holders and great hand rests when you’re tired of texting so you know, they’re a pain in the ass BUT they’re REALLY nice. So nice that you find yourself just grabbing them all the time – I can’t study without grabbing my right boob, weird, but helps me concentrate (don’t lie to yourself, you do it too – unless of course you’re part of the “itty bitty titty committee” like G and Chi where you have nothing of substance to grab at. Sorry girls)
So anyways my sister’s kinda mean to me but just cause she’s older it doesn’t mean she has the license to be a bitch to me right? Of fucking course not, you don’t have infinity boob, you don’t get a bitch license. Which makes me think: since G and Chi have the same size boobs, which of them is queen bitch? And since they only have circle boob, does it mean they have half a bitch license? Are they even entitled to one? I’ll let them fight over that. Mine sway and dance in infinity motion, so obviously I’m queen bitch, they can fight over which of them is going to be sub-bitch.
Once I was on the metro (that’s the fancy Spanish word for the underground in Spain) with my boyfriend and the train stopped suddenly. As his arms were flailing in a desperate attempt to grab onto something he grabbed onto my boob and was saved from making a huge ass out of himself.
BOOBS SAVE LIVES, PEOPLE
EVOLUTION OF THE TATAS:
- Mosquito bites
- Awkward small ball – the awkward stage where you realize your boobs are growing. It’s the stage where you get your hopes up.
- Itty bitty titty committee – circle boob
- Massive explosion IF AND ONLY IF you’re on the road to acquire a bitch license see 7, if not, see 3, of which you’ll be a part of for the rest of your life (which is when those hopes about your boobs become crushing disappointment) until see 5
- IBT Denial – the IBTC buys push up bras to try to appear a bigger and better cup size
- IBT Acceptance – the IBTC loses the bras (lucky bitches, but not really cause no infinity boob) And that’s it for the IBTC, you’re not getting any bigger, maybe a cup when you get pregnant if you’re lucky but that’s about it. See 11.
- Infinity boob – this is where you get the bitch license. You become queen bitch over the IBTC, over anyone with smaller boobs.
- The painfully luscious cup aka the pregnancy committee
- Gravititty takes its toll – saggy bitch tit. That’s the end of it, gravity will just make them sag more and look more empty. Ew. Unless… see 10 (Sidenote: not wearing a bra will make them sag less. I’m not a bitch to bras for no reason)
- The Fake: Midlife crisis kinda moment where you decide to put yourself under the knife to get fucking balloons put in (ewwwww WHY…. Boobs are great. Big, small, they’re awesome. They’re the greatest thing to ever happen. Fake ones look like shit. Nothing better than natural boobs - ask anyone.)
- Death. That’s it. No more boobs. The real ones will disappear. Who the fuck knows what will happen to the fake ones. Honestly wanna know. Are they gonna be like the plastic bags which are going to literally be there forever? OMG imagine archeologists in the future digging up a tomb and finding bones with 2 silicone sacs sitting on the ribcage!! How weirdly cool would that be?!?!
To infinititty and beyond,
Ale, licensed to bitch, out.
& now, presenting a photo montage of the Bitch License...
shoes; Forecast by Jeffrey Campbell in Green.
products; Rub Rub Rub & Ro´s Argan* by LUSH.
*product doubles as body lotion as well as hair conditioner.
a tip: when you enter any makeup and/or beauty store, always, always steal the eyebrow fluffer utensil (pictured below). it´s the best & cheapest way to get your eyebrows on fleek when you´re on the go.
"Bitch license" © Ale